The Ten Commandments of Ready Golf

After tending to the flocks of Jethro leading my people in the desert between Cherry Hill and Philadelphia for quite some time, I received a message from God to go atop Mt. Sinai. There, he told me of his displeasure with the state of slow play. He then gave me two stone tablets to bring back. These are inscribed with his Ten Commandments of Ready Golf.

1. "I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of wifehood, you shall have no other gods before me. You shall not make yourself an idol, taking more than two practice swings, thinking your are a one of the chosen ones on tour. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I the LORD your God am a jealous God, punishing children for the iniquity of parents, to the third and fourth generation of those who reject me, but showing steadfast love to the thousandth generation of those who love me and keep my commandments."

2. "You shall not make wrongful use of GPS and laser distance measuring devices, for the LORD will not acquit anyone who misuses these usless toys."

3. "Observe the sabbath day and keep it holy and play golf, as the LORD your God commanded you. Six days you shall labor and do all your work. But the seventh day is a sabbath to the LORD your God; you shall not do any work, stay off the cell phone, no texting calling, or use of bluetooth technology—you, or your son or your daughter, or your male or female slave, or your ox or your donkey, or any of your livestock, or the resident alien in your towns, so that your male and female slave may rest as well as you. Remember that you were a slave in the land of Egypt, and the LORD your God brought you out from there with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm; therefore the LORD your God commanded you to keep the sabbath day."

4. "Honor your father and your mother, play golf with them, but remember it is Quality time, not Quantity Time, observe a triple bogey maximum, as the LORD your God commanded you, so that your days may be long and that it may go well with you in the land that the LORD your God is giving you."

5. "You shall not kill, or tempt those behind you to hit up on you. "

6. "Neither shall you commit adultery, or fraternize with those not in your foursome."

7. "Neither shall your steal, nor shall you practice putting after all balls have been holed."

8. "Neither shall you bear false witness against your neighbor, thus causing a time consuming argument regarding rules, number of strokes taken, and whether or not the ball is in bounds."

9. "Neither shall you covet your neighbor's wife, or his Taylor Made R9 Driver with Flight Control Technology."

10. ""Neither shall you desire your neighbor's house, or field, or male or female slave, or ox, or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor."

Fat Fuck Follow Up

A good solution to the American fat fuck epidemic. Once a year the government should have mandatory weigh ins for each and every American. Those that are overweight will be put into boot camp until such time their weight comes down to an appropriate level. Why should physically fit people have to pay for health insurance so fat fucks can drain the system.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IayHnA0cGuc

What Are You Looking At????

Ok the last post was heavy, but I felt it was necessary. Thanks for reading it. As a reward, I will do all I can to make this post amusing. Today I was in the cafeteria getting some excellent man fuel as I always do. I'm at the salad bar carefully plucking delicious egg whites from the ground up hard-boiled egg bowl. After working out, I usually eat about 2 small plates of nothing but egg whites. This behavior might appear peculiar to some, getting nothing but egg whites at the salad bar. Anyway. Today, with the steady hands of a surgeon, I was picking the egg whites out of the salad bar with a pair of tongs. And I look up to see this fat fuck looking at me with a "what is this guy about" look on his fucking jiggly grill. It's called discipline and self control you tub of lard. Sure it's easy to grab a few scones, mac and cheese and a CUPCAKE. But thats why you're you and not me. Understand? How about I come and fucking stare at you when you load your plate chocolate chip cookies and get a nice big cold glass of WHOLE milk. Man that would be swell. And then how about I follow you back to your room staring at you with a quizzical glare as sweat forms on your forehead and upper lip as you are slightly out of breath. And when were back at your room I continue to fix my gaze upon you as you sit in your chair with a Coke as you kick back to watch some TV and "unwind" for the rest of the damn day. Every fiber of your being is soft. You have no mettle. No self respect. And you have NO EXCUSE. Fuck you.
This post was only sort of funny, but I have to go somewhere and cut this short. There will no doubt be more fat bashing thoughts to come, I promise.

Tropic Blunder

This is post is not meant to be funny. Tropic Thunder was meant to be funny. In a disrespectful, tasteless, and pretentious manor, this movie makes a mockery of the perils faced by those who have bravely defended the United States. Even worse, they show scenes where they are taken prisoner and tortured. Am I supposed to think this is funny? Am I supposed to think a man having his limbs blown off is amusing, when in real life I see servicemen coming back from the middle east missing arms and legs? I guess it's no big deal these days to laugh at what these guys have done for us. Don't tell me I'm over-reacting to this, that I'm too old school, or that I'm overly sensitive. I can be as mean-spirited as anybody, but I was highly offended by this movie. I gave it a shot and couldn't even finish it. Think of families that have lost loved ones in war. I doubt they would find Tropic Thunder very amusing.
I understand it is supposed to be a silly farce and a spoof of movies like Platoon. They went way too far for my liking. It isn't bad enough Vietnam veterans got shunned and spit on when they came home, now they have to have Nick Nolte portray a character that makes them all look like deranged, bloodthirsty, drugged up, burnouts. How unfair. Hollywood has done justice to Vietnam veterans with films of depth such as Platoon, The Deer Hunter, and most recently Rescue Dawn. These films weren't meant to glorify violence, they portrayed emotional and physical pain with dignity and respect. But I guess Ben Stiller finds those things amusing, as does a good part of the American public. After World War II, no one would have dared to make such a disgraceful movie as Tropic Thunder. To me, Tropic Thunder treats veterans with same regard Johnny Knoxville has for the disabled in his disastrous monstrosity "The Ringer".
I am the first to get annoyed when someone can't take an offensive joke. Tropic Thunder was just to much for me. I sleep safely at night, and wake up every morning in a free nation because of what American servicemen and women have done for me and millions of others. Appreciate where you are.
It is my belief that when something or someone bothers you, the best thing you can do is to ignore it if possible. I have said my peace, and I hope others can see my point.