DISCLAIMER

I'm going to start a new recurring section in this blog. It will deal with the disclaimers seen in commercials that reflect the utter stupidity of the American public. I will post from time to time on various warnings and disclaimers that I see on TV. I have noticed this going on for a while and I thought it would be fun to keep track of these warnings. This morning I saw a commercial for a nasal spray. It's a nasal spray, I forget the brand, yet there was a warning to not squirt the product into your eyes or mouth. What dumb shit would do such a thing? Are people that fuckin dumb? Yes. The disclaimer exists because the company probably got sued by some fucknut that sprayed the product into their eyes and got injured. No fuckin common sense. Once saw a Jeep commercial in which a Jeep was driven underwater and there was a message "DO NOT ATTEMPT"...good thing because I was about to try that. Who would've thought that a flooded engine wouldn't work or that I might drown. Jeep also had a commercial in which the vehicle was driven directly up a vertical cliff. The disclaimer read "DRAMATIZATION". No shit. Guess I can't fly my Honda to the moon either.

You're American

It's St. Patrick's Day. Let me make this clear, I have nothing against any ethnicity. However, I am very unimpressed by the bogus ethnic pride I see in Americans. St Patrick's Day is the perfect example of this. 99.99% of the people boasting their Irish pride today have never been to Ireland, don't really know a damn thing about Ireland, and they pose in thier green shirts and whatnot. They don't have any living relatives that come from the old country, and they probably never knew any. This is my question to all these ethnic pride sheep (Irish and Italians are the primary perpetrators): If Ireland/Italy/wherever is so damn special, why did your ancestors leave? Here's why, because they were so desperately poor and impoverished, they would rather abandon their homeland to live an impoverished existence in the U.S. You're American, everything you know and understand is American, Ireland has done nothing for you. Ever. Just because you studied for a semester in a country doesn't make you a part of it. Although I wouldn't mind if you stayed so I no longer have to endure your phony misplaced ethnic enthusiasm. Stop with the parades, t-shirts, tattoos, flags, and drinking paraphernalia. Why don't you embrace where you're actually from. I've never seen a Cherry Hill tattoo. Not a bad idea.
Back to my point about our ancestors abandoning the old country. Why do we embrace these nations so much? Our families were suffering so badly that they left. The greatest thing to ever happen to us is that our ancestors got out of these shitty nations and came to the beautiful USA.

No Anxiety Please

It is my goal in life to minimize my overall level of anxiety and the angst of those around me. This approach has its pros and cons. Dictionary.com defines anxiety "concern or solicitude respecting some thing or event, future or uncertain, which disturbs the mind, and keeps it in a state of painful uneasiness". I don't like confrontation, drama, or bitterness. If someone pisses you off, avoid them or don't listen to them. There is nothing worse than a restless mind, pursuing answers and coming away with only more questions. All I want to do is hang out, laugh, and analyze. Its that simple. I'm comfortable with who I am, who my friends are, and where I'm going in life. Expect little and you'll always be satisfied Confucius said. Count your blessings and be happy. Know what you can control and what you can't, and just RELAX.

Why do I care about sports?

It's entertainment. Every game is like a movie, but no matter how much you think you know about the game, you just don't know what will happen in the end. Nothing is scripted, and nothing is certain (sometimes it may seem it is). The 4 major sports are all interesting and unique, I like seeing them played at the highest level. Professional sports is the pursuit of excellence. To see it on display during competition is something to be appreciated. To me, pro athletes are real life superheroes. They go out there and do things we can only dream of. I can't hit a curveball, complete a pass into double coverage, stop a 100 mph slapshot in traffic, or try to contain lebron james. Anyone who has played sports can appreciate what it takes for these guys to get to this level.
Why do I care so much about my teams? These guys aren't from philly, and they dont know who I am. At the end of the day, it has no bearing on my life. So why the hell do I watch it on tv, read about it, and so on? When you watch these teams from a young age, they become part of your identity. It's more about sentiment and appreciation of tradition as you get older. You either understand it or you don't. When these men put on a jersey, they are representing you. They're going to play to the best of their ability to try and bring glory to where you live. They provide a distraction from the other crap in your life for 3 hours. The beauty is that it is irrelevant. If your team loses, then oh well they lost, life goes on. But, if they win, BE HAPPY!
Personally, I love the continuous flow and change of sports. The coming and going of different players, great teams, and so on. The highs and lows are what make it interesting. The dismal 06-07 Flyers campaign, made 07-08 that much sweeter. The conclusion of the 34 year Stanley Cup drought in Philadelphia will taste like nothing else when they hoist that big ass trophy come Spring. Just watch.
Another reason to watch pro sports is to see guys go out and get a job done. No excuses or sad stories, they just go out and execute. I love seeing Utley bear down in a deep count, or Mike Richards winning a big draw. Dudes just get it done. They're the best at what they do and they fuckin know it.

Sports Fans

Passionate, loyal, rabid. These are some words to describe Philadelphia sports fans. Apparently, every single person living in the Delaware Valley is a lifelong devotee of all 4 major sports teams in Philly. And you can tell this is true by the Mitchell and Ness jerseys everyone poses in at the local bars. Philadelphia sports fans are no more or less special than the sports fans of every other city. From 1994-2005 the Phillies ranged from dismal to painfully mediocre, so it's understandable why the Vet was a ghost stadium with the exception of fireworks night. However, don't tell me you've been with this team since you were 8 because you think you followed the 93 team and because you went to a game or two here and there with your little league team. The average asshole in a throwback hat or jersey they bought after the 07 NL East div crown doesn't know Robert Person from Carlton Loewer. Or Travis Lee (who was granted released by the Wash Nats in 07 because of his "lack of desire to play the game") from Mark Lewis. Run on sentences are my style, deal with it.
Philadelphia is not an exception to the bandwagon phenomenon. They're in every city, for every team, and they are loud, stupid, and obnoxious. Just please stop. You're the same dickheads that flipped cars and burned stuff after the World Series win. Don't take my teams success as an excuse to fuck shit up. How dare you attempt to associate yourself with me. I wore a Scott Rolen t-shirt jersey to school in 7th and 8th grade (1998-2000) and got ridiculed (yes, I was a loser). This column is for every loyal Phillies fan or fan of any team that has had to endure poser fans.
The telltale signs of a poser fan:
1. is female
2. wearing a throwback to make it look like they've been fan since Chuck Bednarik was an Eagle, even though the jerkoff wearing the jersey is 22 years old
3. tattered hat
4. NL east or NL champion shirt/hat

5 you have facebook pictures of yourself at the parade, wearing your Phillies gear with tags still on it
6 you have facebook pics of yourself at games, holding your miller lite
7 you wear a green Phillies/Flyers/whatever jersey or a pink eagles jersey, stop trying to be different, we don't give a fuck if you're irish, italian or whatever
8 you get kicked out of the stadium for being a drunken asshole
9 your hat has a world series logo, has a straight brim, and still has the new era logo sticker on it
10you attend or graduated from Villanova university

I'm tired of writing this. You get my point.

The Bruce Springsteen Factor

Walking out of the theater after seeing SLumdog Millionaire, which I really enjoyed and recommend to everyone, I was very happy with what I saw. I liked the movie. This was about 2 months before the Academy Awards. As time went by after watching this movie, I realized that it's popularity was becoming widespread. People were telling me it was the best movie they ever saw. What?? People love to love something because it's popular. It helps them fit into a conversation, or gives them some sort of acceptance by proclaiming their love for something that isn't THAT great.
This is something I call "The Bruce Springsteen Factor". It's when a thing is good, people like it, yet the dull-minded masses that love to get excited over nothing have pumped that thing up end-all-be-all status. Bruce is the perfect example. His music is good. I like it too. However, I haven't been to 257 concerts. I have never yelled "BRUUUUUCE" in my life. He has a few good songs. When he's on the radio, I usually turn it off because I know people are getting more excited than they should be. The media and fans hype him up to be Jesus Christ. If it's your thing to get overly excited about something to feel good about yourself, I'm not stopping you. I'm just not that impressed.
To recap, The Bruce Springsteen Factor applies to phenomena that are hyped beyond what it atually is. Personally, I think the Factor applies to Michael Phelps, Barack Obama, Jon Legend, Dave Matthews (he sucks), and many more things that I will remember later.