The Ten Commandments of Ready Golf

After tending to the flocks of Jethro leading my people in the desert between Cherry Hill and Philadelphia for quite some time, I received a message from God to go atop Mt. Sinai. There, he told me of his displeasure with the state of slow play. He then gave me two stone tablets to bring back. These are inscribed with his Ten Commandments of Ready Golf.

1. "I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of wifehood, you shall have no other gods before me. You shall not make yourself an idol, taking more than two practice swings, thinking your are a one of the chosen ones on tour. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I the LORD your God am a jealous God, punishing children for the iniquity of parents, to the third and fourth generation of those who reject me, but showing steadfast love to the thousandth generation of those who love me and keep my commandments."

2. "You shall not make wrongful use of GPS and laser distance measuring devices, for the LORD will not acquit anyone who misuses these usless toys."

3. "Observe the sabbath day and keep it holy and play golf, as the LORD your God commanded you. Six days you shall labor and do all your work. But the seventh day is a sabbath to the LORD your God; you shall not do any work, stay off the cell phone, no texting calling, or use of bluetooth technology—you, or your son or your daughter, or your male or female slave, or your ox or your donkey, or any of your livestock, or the resident alien in your towns, so that your male and female slave may rest as well as you. Remember that you were a slave in the land of Egypt, and the LORD your God brought you out from there with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm; therefore the LORD your God commanded you to keep the sabbath day."

4. "Honor your father and your mother, play golf with them, but remember it is Quality time, not Quantity Time, observe a triple bogey maximum, as the LORD your God commanded you, so that your days may be long and that it may go well with you in the land that the LORD your God is giving you."

5. "You shall not kill, or tempt those behind you to hit up on you. "

6. "Neither shall you commit adultery, or fraternize with those not in your foursome."

7. "Neither shall your steal, nor shall you practice putting after all balls have been holed."

8. "Neither shall you bear false witness against your neighbor, thus causing a time consuming argument regarding rules, number of strokes taken, and whether or not the ball is in bounds."

9. "Neither shall you covet your neighbor's wife, or his Taylor Made R9 Driver with Flight Control Technology."

10. ""Neither shall you desire your neighbor's house, or field, or male or female slave, or ox, or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor."